When I was a little kid I always drew cars. They were garbage† I couldn’t draw to save my life. Now, however, things have changed. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you: my Apple Car.
It seems like a new Apple Car rendering is released every day by someone who has no idea what they are talking about. However, I have the inside scoop. You see, on this website I may be known as Andy Kalmowitz, but in the real world my name is Tim Apple. Yes, That Tim Appel.
I’ll show you the concept.
We’ll start with the boring stuff up front. He has headlights. friggin‘DOT making all these rules. Behind it we have a kind of horseless carriage. There is a visible driver’s compartment with a covered rear passenger compartment.
I’m not good at drawing people (unlike cars), so I had to use worms as representative figures† The Apple Car is meant to be autonomous, but because that technology doesn’t even come close to the existing one, the buyer has to settle for an organic driver. (You have to pay them $30 an hour. It’s in the terms and conditions you really should have read before buying.) There’s even a spot up front for a worm buddy, should your driver get lonely.
The rear passenger (worm with good hair) sits isolated, sipping their morning coffee and reading the newspaper as if it were 1986.
The Apple Car is not powered by some sort of liberal electric motors. Not really. It has the Mopar Hellcat V8 that makes 707 horsepower and 650 lb-ft of couple. That motor is mounted in the rear and produces so much heat that no heating core. There is a core of coursebut i’m not gonna tell you where it is.
This masterpiece gets 3 gallons per mile, just the way God intended it. It’s going steadyd wheel arrangement: 38 inches front and 62 rear. This is the only place where the display falls apartsince those wheels are not to scale.
As for the overall exterior dimensions of the Apple Car, let’s say Ddon’t worry about it. It’ll be fine.
To make the Apple Car even bigger, the stem/antenna is at the top. He is six feet high so you can hear him everything. Do you want to know what everything is? Too bad, go to hell.
As for the price, the Apple Car is more than you can afford, friend. Look for reservations to open sometime in the mid-2040s.